I'm reading The Lord of the Rings to my four older children (almost) every night -- at two pages a day, this one is going to take a while!
This evening, I was struck by this line, which seemed to me to sum up the way I should have felt years ago when I first became a parent:
[Gandalf:] "At any rate you are not ready for that long road yet."
"No indeed!" said Frodo. "But in the meantime what course am I to take?"
"Towards danger; but not too rashly, nor too straight," answered the wizard.
I can certify that the road towards being a great parent is indeed a long one, and one I have never felt ready to take. It also most certainly has not been a straight road. But I'm on it anyway.
So, as long as we're parenting, what can we do to become really great parents?
I recently read
this deservedly popular blog entry (at
ablogaboutlove.com), and the thought struck me: This is the perfect parenting advice! (with, of course, some modification). So here are some of their points (and maybe some additional ones), with my own reaction to their blog post and how it applies to my daddy duty. (My dual thanks and apologies to Danny and Mara.)
Speak REALLY kindly. OK, I totally believe in this one. I still have difficulty always speaking kindly to my 6 children aged 10 and under (and how did that happen anyway?). BUT! I have gone about THREE WHOLE WEEKS now without actually yelling at them (other than friendly yelling). That's a milestone for me. I find that often the reason I get angry at my children is not because of their behavior, but because of mine -- when I start acting like a child, I stop controlling myself like an adult. The proverb is true: "
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." Well, the wrath that gets turned away, so frequently, is my own, when I find that I can manage to speak softly.
Some day I'd really like to speak without a trace of harshness under any circumstance. I'm workin' on it... but it's tough...
Make serving each other your highest priority. My children are old enough now to help out around the house quite a bit. And they do. And it is
wonderful. But equally important is how I feel towards my children when I serve them.
Don't speak negatively about your children. Children will strive to live up to whatever standard is put before them, and if the standard is one of belittlement and negativity, the cards will be stacked against them. Practice being positive about your children when you speak of them to other people, and it will be easier to be positive about them when you are around them.
Physical affection. Yes, children need it! I hug each of my children as many times in a day as I can get near enough them. And kisses and tickles for the little ones (and sometimes the big ones)!
Say thanks. I notice that my children feel AWESOME when they feel that their efforts were needed. And not just a "Thanks," but a "Hey, that table looks amazing! Our house feels so much better with a clean table. Thank you for helping!" And, of course, a hug!
Ask forgiveness for everything. Well... the sight of a daddy asking his little kiddo for forgiveness is not common enough. What can I say? This has come naturally for me through most of my fathering. It's important to me that my children see me trying my best to be a better dad. It's not enough to just let hard feelings pass and brush the episode under the rug! Be specific with what you did wrong, and that you feel badly, and promise that you'll try to do better, and then give them that big bear hug. They might look at you really weirdly at first -- but they'll go to bed feeling safe and loved. See how many of these kind of weird looks you can get out of your children!
Pray together. Family prayer, family scripture reading, devotional time. My children learn best who I am when I share my deepest held beliefs with them. We're not terribly consistent. We pray every night together, at least, and some of those nights we'll pull out the scriptures. The best devotional times we have are at meal times, when mom and dad are conscientious enough to make it happen -- the kids' mouths are full of food, they're in one spot, and generally they are more interested in discussing God and the gospel in that setting.
Night out. Tammy and I consistently take Friday nights to have a date night with each other. Recently, we've taken one night a month to take one child with us. The children love it, they look forward to it, and it gives us time to connect to that child as an individual. There are other ways to do this, but this one works for us.
Delay discipline. My children need the occasional (actually, frequent) disciplinary action to help them understand the consequences of their choices. Of course, whole books have been written about discipline -- this is not an easy topic! And it's even
harder to feel happy with how I actually do it. My most frequent regrets, when disciplining my children, happen when I hand over their sentence in the heat of the moment. I have not yet learned the type of control that allows me to scale the punishment to the crime when in the heat of the moment. So I often eat my words, apologize, redact the punishment, etc., etc., etc. One thing I have tried (and also failed to do at all well) is to delay the decision until the day following the incident. But really any delay helps.
Don't sweat the petty stuff. So the kids make a mess. So they're noisy. So they want a plastic spoon and not a metal one. So what? Learn which battles are worth fighting and chill out a bit. I learned this lesson recently when dinner after dinner was a fight the whole time. Tammy showed me that the problem was not with the kids, but
me! Let them eat what they want and just enjoy having them around!
I'm not perfect at all this. But there it is.
Any other thoughts?
